i’m sick and tired|of searching for sense and a deeper meaning|in encounters|experiences|disappointments|that just don’t have any|
Posts Categorized: katharina|germany
2008-ish
a very eventful year is almost over|i studied|and i forgot|i laughed|and i cried|i traveled|and i barricaded myself at home|possibly more than in any year before|some of the best|and some of the worst|memories of my life will always be linked with this year|i will always remember 2008 as the year|i truly and irreversibly grew up|
survive-ish
sometimes i wonder|if instead of trying so desperately to keep my head above the water|i should rather focus on learning how to dive|whether you are struggling hard to keep on top of it|or give in to its embrace and let it drag you to its depths|both times the water is your enemy|if you make it your ally|study carefully its streams and swirls|and put them to your use|learn to economize your breath|and manage to stay calm when waves mount up above your head|trusting your abilities and discretion|you might actually get somewhere from your own strength|instead of frantically gasping for breath|and hoping for a boat to come and safe you|
virgin-ish
oh darling|why didn’t you tell me it was your first time|i would have been gentler|less demanding|i knew i was more experienced than you|but i would never have guessed|still|it is all the more surprising|that this was the longest time|i ever did it|i want to|videophone with you again|
ident-ish II
identities are constantly negotiated|the identity of a nation|a company|of you| and me|is a changeable thing|we long for stability and continuity as well as flexibility|sometimes the perception of an identity is so fixed it can no longer be altered|only shattered|
question-ish
the true art of living|is not accumulating the right answers|but asking the right questions|
dualist-ish
yes or no|black or white|man or woman|gay or straight|good or bad|virgin or whore|right or wrong|our life is complicated enough|when classifying things we want it simple|is that wise or unwise|i’d say it’s neither|and both|
friendship-ish
do we choose our friends for what they are|or for what we want them to be|often we feel attracted to people that are similar to us|we are drawn to people that represent what we would like to be like|maybe we choose our friends for what we are|that is why it is kind of a shock if our friends don’t like each other|
addict-ish
sometimes it is very soft|sometimes it is so intense i can hardly bear it|because i am still sore from the last time|i like to enjoy it for hours|but even if i can only feel it for a few minutes it eases my pain|a whole day without it makes me feel sad and cold|it is the only therapy i need|i am addicted to sunlight|
grey-ish
in art class i learned that black and white are no colours|so what is grey|the child of everything and nothing|if white is pure and black is nihilistic|then grey is open to compromise|non-discriminatory|indecisive|and voracious|it looks so innocent and is easily overlooked|but its intentions are nothing less than to shatter our world picture|once you have experienced grey|you cannot truly go back to black or white|it is the loss of innocence|fall of mankind and enlightenment at the same time|how come they never told us about that in art class|
chaos-ish
why is there no plural form of chaos|there is chaos in my mind|chaos in my flat|chaos in the world surrounding me|if i can’t control it|i want to be at least able to count it|
truth-ish II
truth is a funny thing|we can lie without deceiving|we can deceive without lying|it is impossible to find THE truth|because it only exists in the plural form|
brood-ish
i like to think things through|there’s nothing wrong with that|but what happens when thinking becomes an end in itself|when it prevents me from acting|when it is just keeping me busy long enough to spare me the trouble of making a decision|when “i think, therefore i am” perversely turns into “i think, therefore i stop being”|i am not sure how this should influence my actions|but i’m sure i’ll think of something once i thought it through|
memory-ish
they say we should live neither in the past nor in the future|of course i want to live my life now|but it’s my past that makes me what i am today|good memories give me strength when i most need it|bad memories prevent me from making unwise choices|both kinds enable me to learn and to tell stories|i’m little afraid of losing my money or possessions|but i’m clinging to my memories|i take them with me wherever i go|in the end, money and possessions are nothing but a vessel for memories|material things remind me of what happened in the past|and money allows me to make new experiences in the future|
japanese-ish
the japanese language has a word for every social phenomenon one can think of|’demodori’ is a divorced woman who moves back in with her parents|’giri-choco’ is the valentine chocolate given to colleagues and the like out of sheer obligation|i wonder how they call the fetish of trying to subordinate people and cultural phenomena| by putting a label on them|
sax-ish
the same sax will sound very different, depending on who plays it|we exhale more than just breath|how can we expect our play to be harmonic if our life is in dissonance|as for me, i seem to be making the same mistakes over and over again|my timing is dreadful|often i cannot keep pace|if everything is going smoothly this fact distracts me so much i stumble|but whereas my voice is sometimes barely audible|i cannot hold back when i play|and every now and again|i even allow someone to listen|
bath-ish
it rejuvenates me when i am weary|it soothes me when i am restless|the hot water numbs my limbs and my brain|it blurs my senses and eases my pain| it is the best way to start|spend|end|a dreadful|ordinary|perfect|day|i would rather renounce my bed and sleep on the floor|than refrain from having a bath|
truth-ish
we all know very simple rules and truths about life|to be healthy we need a balanced diet and regular exercise|to keep track of our finances we should start by writing down our expenses and earnings daily|it might take more time to keep putting something on our to do list than actually doing it|more often than not it is advisable to think before we speak|and simple rules are the hardest to follow|
season-ish
winter is the perfect season for many people’s favourite passtime|self-pity|everything is so dark and grey|rainy and cold|why do i have to get up so early|nothing is going right|nobody else has to put up with all this stuff|and they are not even showing sympathy|it’s so unfair|it just sucks to be me|be careful not to enjoy the suffering too much though|you might accidently lighten your mood|
pic-ish
nowadays face-to-face communication loses importance|the first step to learn more about someone today is googling|the web presence of a person can tell us a lot about them|not so much about the way they are|but about the way they would like to be|and this starts with the profile picture|there is the ‘social’ type that does not seem to be able to part with their friends even for a picture|the ‘serious’ type that uses their passport photo to display themselves|the ‘vain’ type that obviously chose the most flattering picture they own|the ‘creative’ type that photoshops their pictures before they put them online|the ‘nonconformist’ type that chose a cartoon character instead|the ‘humorous’ type that is pulling a face|and so on and so forth|we may disagree on the way someone describes their own character|but we will have to accept the fact that this is how they would like to be seen|
ident-ish
sometimes we seem to get trapped in the identity we invented for ourselves|we feel like there is something we cannot do or say because it would be so unlike us|funny thinking|just how stable is our identity|if i would lose my memory and had to start all over again|what kind of person would i become|would i recognize or even like myself|would i be better off without my experiences and memories|would oblivion mean bliss or torture|when i realise that despite its constraints i like my present self too much to find out|is that an epiphany or is it just me affirming my imprisonment yet again|after all it would be so unlike me to even consider doing anything reckless|sometimes i wish i could believe in some kind of god|because then i could entrust someone else with brooding about my identity|and happily accept the constraints of my life as part of some master plan|
study-ish
lately i have been wondering, if choosing an interesting topic for your thesis isn’t in fact a very unwise idea|sure, it’s nice to engage in something you’re genuinely interested in, but then again the risk of getting distracted by fascinating sub-topics is high|and if people around you get too interested in your topic, you will inevitably end up disappointing everyone|you might just be better of with the boring topic|
christmas-ish
so here’s the problem|you don’t like christmas|sentimental carols, cramped department stores, being trapped with your relatives for several days in a row|still you’ve got this advent calendar and think it would be a shame to waste it|i know just the thing|open the first window on the 15th of december|the last window then opens on the 7th of january, the end of all holidays, the day everything is back to normal|now THAT is something to look forward to|